Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Earth Day - How I saved the planet

I was rudely awakened this morning by migrant workers using 2-stroke engine powered blowers.  The sound was bad enough but I just couldn't stay in bed knowing that their caustic exhaust was warming the planet with every passing second.  I jumped out of bed and got my solar powered calculator and quickly figured what I owed in carbon offsets because after all...they were my gardeners. 

I ran out on to my front porch and yelled in my best Spanish for them to stop.  "Please amigos, this is Earth Day!" I shouted.  If ever a day existed to thank mother earth it was this glorious day.  Seeing me they snickered.

It was one thing to wake me up and to disrespect my plea.  It was quite another to destroy my planet while doing it.  I ran out and grabbed the blower from one of them and hit him over the head with it.  The other worker witnessed the full force of my wrath and he ran away.  I poured out the 2-stroke gas and oil mixture into the mouth of the passed out gardener.  His dead body would process fuel in an earth friendly way.  Sure I killed a man, but I did it for mother earth.

I took a cold shower making sure I didn't use any natural gas and got ready to ride my bicycle to work.  I knew I would be able to pedal fast and stay focused since the shower stopped me from thinking about sex and other non-earth-friendly activity.

An old Volvo was in front of me at a stop light.  Smoke was pouring out the exhaust as I noticed it was a Turbo Diesel model.  I decided to dismount my bike and talk to the driver.  Maybe he hadn't heard it was Earth Day.

"Friend, you seem to have a lot of exhaust there.  Care to pull over and let me give you some information about where you can buy some carbon offsets?"  I said to him in a friendly tone.

But this man was not to be reasoned with and I could tell he shared the same earth killing attitude of the gardener that made me late to work because I had to drag his body around to the side of my house to deal with later. 

"Get back on your bike there granola head."  The man said while chuckling.

"Sir, there is no need for name calling, I'm just trying to help you pay respect to the planet on her day of honor."  I replied.

"Fuck off treehugger!"  He shot back while throwing a piece of litter from his car into my face.

The nerve!  I tried to help him understand how he can impact the environment and he responds by littering.  I could take the disrespect and I could take name calling but the litter was just too much.

I gently picked up the piece of trash he had thrown in my face and I reminded him that littering was not only illegal but very disrespectful to the planet.  Then I took the piece of paper and I jammed it back into his face.

"Maybe your trash will take that smirk off of your face planet hater!" I shouted at him.  I took the small tire pump I had tucked into the back of my very tight and sexy bike pants and I bludgeoned him repeatedly until I was sure that he would not be able to pollute any longer.  I reached in and turned off the motor so that his car would stop its assault on the atmosphere. 

I stood there looking at the blood trickle from the several puncture wounds I had made in the side of his head and face and I couldn't help but think how much Earth Day inspired me to make a difference.  It's true, one person can make a wonderful impact if they just look for opportunities.  It's shameful that this only comes but once a year.

I'm but one person, but I can make a positive impact on behalf of our home and mother:  Earth.  Hopefully you found inspiration in this testimony of the small part I played in saving the planet.


berburbaby said...


Esther said...

Well, now I'm not going to tell you about how I celebrated Earth Day by dragging my refrigerator outside and attempting to air condition my yard with it. I also drove my car a few extra miles for no reason and left the tv on all day. :o)

robert the grump said...

Good work. I hope your bicycle wasn't made in planet-raping China, though.

Also, it worries me that you might be hiring illegal immigrants to do your gardening. You're pretty weak on that issue. Who do you think you are, John McCain?

Gino said...

thanks you,tracy, for all you do.

Sharonus said...

Truly an inspirational story.

How do you plan to dispose of the bodies in an environmentally sensitive manner? No overuse of plastic, I hope?