The neighborhood I live in now is designed for trick or treating. My neighborhood features lots of houses in a small area, great sidewalks wide streets, limited traffic, and easy access. It's paydirt for every grubby little kid out there wearing a costume.
I don't want to be a total jackass on Halloween but I really don't want to answer the door all night. I also don't want a bag of burning crap on my porch either, which I'd deserve.
Tonight I'm heading out to buy two loads of candy. One will include "top shelf" candy and the other will be "crap candy."
Good Candy
Crap Candy
This is how I will decide who gets what:
1. Kids with clever costumes get the best candy. Everyone else will get crap candy.
2. Teenagers who are not even dressed up but are just out for easy candy will get good candy. I appreciate their complete laziness and will reward them. Teenagers who are wearing costumes trying to relive their childhood will get crap candy and my free and generously applied ridicule.
3. I will take photos of every parent who also dresses up and accompanies their children. Their ridiculous photo will appear on this blog under a post entitled, "Look at these idiots."
4. All "ghosts" with just a bedsheet over their head will be mocked mercilessly. They will also walk home crying with crap candy in their bags.
Maybe this will be a "Happy Halloween" after all.
9 comments:
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I love trick or treaters. Why would you give bad candy to little kids??
A friend of mine lived in a neighborhood where they bussed kids in on Halloween to go trick or treating. It was dreadful, thousands of kids would stampede through the neighborhood knocking on doors and peeking through windows. My friends would turn off all their lights, close their curtains and hide inside all evening because you just couldn't buy enough candy for all those kids and once they knew your house was open they would not leave you alone.
Anyways, neat blog. I'm a conservative, not a libertarian (although I do have some libertarian leanings in the economic sense). I definitely think you have some interesting and hilarious commentary though.
If a bus full of kids comes into my neighborhood, I'll be forced to empty my pantry of things I don't eat anymore. Old Ramen Noodles, a can of olives my sister left me two thanksgivings ago, and some cat food my cat doesn't like.
anon - if you love trick or treaters so much, why don't you marry them?
esther - i love hearing from conservatives..i like your blog...you write more than i can read...have some shorter posts for dumb people like me please.
anon - bus full of kids...two words...urine balloons.
What if the adults dress up as hooker nuns? Just wondering.
I'll try to vary the length a bit. ;o) Thanks for the compliments.
Hilarious. I think Halloween is an excellent night to go out for dinner and drinks.
hooker nuns? - they're invited in provided they brought their own wine.
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