I've never lived in a traditional neighborhood before. I grew up in a rural area where we never had more than three trick or treaters throughout a Halloween evening.
The neighborhood I live in now is designed for trick or treating. My neighborhood features lots of houses in a small area, great sidewalks wide streets, limited traffic, and easy access. It's paydirt for every grubby little kid out there wearing a costume.
I don't want to be a total jackass on Halloween but I really don't want to answer the door all night. I also don't want a bag of burning crap on my porch either, which I'd deserve.
Tonight I'm heading out to buy two loads of candy. One will include "top shelf" candy and the other will be "crap candy."
This is how I will decide who gets what:
1. Kids with clever costumes get the best candy. Everyone else will get crap candy.
2. Teenagers who are not even dressed up but are just out for easy candy will get good candy. I appreciate their complete laziness and will reward them. Teenagers who are wearing costumes trying to relive their childhood will get crap candy and my free and generously applied ridicule.
3. I will take photos of every parent who also dresses up and accompanies their children. Their ridiculous photo will appear on this blog under a post entitled, "Look at these idiots."
4. All "ghosts" with just a bedsheet over their head will be mocked mercilessly. They will also walk home crying with crap candy in their bags.
Maybe this will be a "Happy Halloween" after all.