A wonderful Halloween story

I used to manage a technical support group for a major software company that manufactured games. This was before they laid us all off and removed the distinction of 'major' from their description. I count myself as fortunate to have worked with everyone who was in my group and I keep in touch with many of them to this day.

I felt inclined one year to participate in our departments halloween decorating contest in the office. The two year's previous my group was the only one that didn't participate as I generally thought it a waste of time. But this group was up to the task and we started brainstorming a theme. After some wrangling and hemming and hawing we settled on one we all liked:

John Glenn is returning from space and he's hungry for brains

John Glenn was up in space during this time and our idea was that he would come back as a space monster and eat everyone's brains. As a tribute to John Glenn we hung glow in the dark stars from the ceiling and had an Astronaut Pinata (complete with John Glenn's face taped to the head). We also hung adult diapers from the ceiling in a salute to the geratric state of this great space pioneer. Everyone in my group used spray-on hair coloring to color all of our hair (including facial hair) grey. We won 1st prize. And just like that trashy neighbor you have down the street that leaves up their Christmas lights year 'round, our decorations (including adult diapers) stayed up well into the next summer.

The next Halloween is one I'll never forget. Our group got together to think of a new theme for our Halloween decorating. John Glenn eating brains was difficult to top and I think we did take a step backward in our sophomore attempt. The theme we decided upon was:

Ass Pirates of the Caribbean

We turned our collective cubicles into a large pirate ship complete with a center mast and crows nest. A sign on the mast read:

Seamen wanted. Inquire with the Rear Admiral on the poop deck.

Now many of you are probably thinking about the homo erotic elements of what the sign read but do not be confused. This had nothing to do with it at all as you'll notice in a few paragraphs.

On halloween we all dressed as the cheesiest pirates you could imagine. One of our guys brought a pair of shorts with fake buttocks on them. Whoever would wear this would be the Captain and Ass Pirate Extraordinaire.

In the afternoon our department always shut down and we had a party at the end of the day. Basically it was punch and pie with musical chairs. It was corny but I always enjoyed it. At one point of the party we would announce who would win the decorating contest and then have an individual costume contest. As could easily be predicted, Ass Pirates prevailed as a winning combination with the judges and now it came to the individual contest. As everyone in costume stood up at the front of the room each was selected and their ranking would be determined by corresponding applause. Each person got what ranked between polite clapping to thunderous approval. The next 15 seconds went in slow motion.

The last one to enter the room was the quietest guy in our group. Not shy but not personally dynamic either. He was wearing the 'Ass Pirate Captain' outfit (complete with a cool pirate hat, hook on hand, and eye patch) and he entered the room hunched over......he then starts to turn around and the room goes into an uproar as you can begin to see he's wearing the fake buttocks. As he got totally turned around the room went silent. Enough people had surrounded him that I wasn't able to really see but there wasn't so much as a whisper. Then after a few seconds sounds began to emerge in the room to groans and disbelief.

When I finally reached a decent vantage point I saw that our 'Captain' with fake buttocks had affixed a fake turd that was dangling strategically from center. The brown mass quivered with every movement causing more groans and disgusted noises.

The party was over about a minute later.

Knowing this magical moment would never be topped, we never participated in Halloween after that.

Happy Halloween everyone!

HEY! I'd love to hear from this old gang of pirates. Let's get the old band back together sometime.