Saturday, January 31, 2009

Need a Cool Earthquake Testimonial?

We had an earthquake here a couple of days ago.  I didn't feel it.  But I didn't feel left out with all the truly amazing stories people told me because if I needed to...I could've had a cool story to tell anyone who would listen...over and over again.  If you've gone through an earthquake and don't have a story to tell...I'm here to help you.

Seattle is prone to earthquakes and on occasion they are large.  Most of the time they are isolated to small areas and produce no lasting damage. 

After a 6.8 magnitude earthquake in the year 2001 that rocked our little region I began to hear some commonality when it came to people describing how they felt the earthquake.  Everyone had their own account and talked as if their experience was incredibly unique and important. 

As a service to all of you, I will help you generate a cool earthquake testimonial that you can use to impress your friends.  Follow these steps:

  1. All testimonials begin with where you were and what you were doing.  Don't miss this simple step as it adds flavor to your story. 

    For example:  I was at home and I was in the bathroom going poop.
  2. Then describe what happened when the earthquake began.  This is an initial observation that there is something to talk about beyond your bowel movement.

    For example:  My cat suddenly ran out of the room and I heard something fall in my bathtub.
  3. In this step describe what you thought it was.  This is important because no one thinks what they're experiencing is an earthquake, they always think it's something else.

    For example:  I thought the sound was my roommate passed out drunk in the bathtub.  Mr. Whiskers never liked him and I was sure that's why he ran out of the bathroom.
  4. Then slowly, and in the most painfully boring way possible, outline how you used simple reason to deduct that your initial thoughts on what you were experiencing were completely inaccurate.

    For example:  Then I thought to myself that it couldn't be my roommate because he moved out two months because he wasn't paying me his half of the rent and he never slept in the bathtub while I was home during that part of the day because he was always afraid I'd hassle him for rent money even though I never did because I figured...hey...he's an adult and I don't like to nag people about...
  5. This is the big finish.  This is where your whole story begins to climax into the now obvious conclusion that you understand that you're in the midst of a natural disaster. 

    This step goes like this:  ...and then I thought...OH MY GAWD...WE'RE HAVING AN EARTHQUAKE!

Go ahead.  Practice a bit and create your own and leave them in the comments.  You can thank me later when all of your friends and co-workers marvel at your awesome account of an earthquake you never felt.


berburbaby said...

I was in the bathtub and the water started sloshing all over. I figured it was just because I was a fat ass and moved a little. Then, I noticed a weird noise, and I thought, "Oh my GAWD, it's an earthquake!" So I jumped out of the bathtub and ran out of the apartment to stand in the door. And then I thought, "Oh my GAWD, I'm NAKED!" And my cat went bounding across the parking lot.

Thanks, I needed to get that off my chest. I just never knew the correct way to express it.

Dave Johnson said...

I really did think it was the large woman who used to be a man at our former place of work shaking the snack machine.

Honest to GAWD.

robert the grump said...

I felt nothing, so I conclude that there was no earthquake. It is a fabrication of the right-wing media, something Rush Limbaugh cooked up to mess with our heads.

Dave, you shouldn't have gone there, but since you did, you should've linked to the website so people can see how real our former co-worker is.