On Halloween 51 trick or treaters came to my door. I awarded a few of them and they will get a mention in this post.
Most Original: A giant homemade iPod. This kid was also the first trick or treater. I told him if he came with iTunes I'd kick him off my porch because iTunes sucks.
Most Entertaining: Three kids came to my door. I could identify two of their costumes but not the third. I asked the third kid, "What are you?" His buddy answered before he could with "He's a fat kid." This comment earned him a punch to the stomach. I laughed and gave them lots of the best candy for entertaining me.
Laziest Costume - The hobo. There's always at least one hobo. It requires nothing except a dirty face and your dad's old work clothes. I reward this classic half-ass attempt at a costume with good candy every year.
Pillowcasers - I had 11 of them this year. They're usually age 12-14 and are hanging on to the last year they can go trick or treating. Their costumes are lame if they even have one. Instead of a bag they bring a pillowcase and load up on as much candy as possible. They arrive at your door out of breath because they're hitting as many doors as possible. I pity them and give them good candy...as they are the most likely to egg my house.
Lamest Costume that actually took time to make - Unicorn...holy crap I couldn't believe my eyes. What a dumb costume! Here have some circus peanuts and get off my property lamer!
Weirdest Store-bought Costume - Engineer. Hardhat, vest, et al. I asked him what kind of engineer he was...his reply? "I don't know." Here have some bulk candy I found under the couch cushions.
Now with Halloween out of the way I can concentrate on Guy Fawkes day!
1 comment:
I had a record number of kids this year. Most of the costumes were clearly purchased from Fred Meyer. Cheap, Chinese-made crap with shiny, artificial fabric that would go up in an inferno with a single touch of my cigar.
A couple of punks looked old enough to have jobs, so I rewarded them well as they looked like trouble makers. I watched them depart to make sure they weren't casing the place. "Keep moving," I yelled.
Finally, a kid showed up dressed as a Seahawk. He had the number 20 on his back...Maurice Morris.
I placed a huge bowl of candy a foot behind me. I said, "That whole bowl is yours, if you can take it."
The kid stared at me with wide eyes for a second, then he made his move. He was pretty quick for a sixth grader. He barreled into me at high speed, with his head down and legs churning.
I caught him in the mouth with a vicious forearm, straightening him up. Then I blasted him with both arms and sent him tumbling across the lawn.
"Get off my property, with your weak-ass costume, punk!" I screamed as he retreated into the night.
I'm not sure if that actually happened. It might have been an hallucination triggered by watching the Seahawks on TV yesterday.
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