I'm slick with the ladies

Thoughout my childhood I was plagued with a nervous stomach. Anything exciting or out of the ordinary in life would put butterflies in my stomach. I can look back at some of the best days of my childhood and remember how those great feelings were also met with feeling of nausea.

I used to think I was cursed and that I would only be able to handle the mundane and routine. Going to a friend's house to spend the night or going camping during summer vacation always meant a thrilling time and the possibility of vomiting. My nervous stomach carried with me into my teenage years.

At 16 I was going on a 3-day camping trip with a church youth group. The week before the trip I had met a girl named Jennifer. She said she felt bad that she couldn't go on the camping trip because her boyfriend's birthday fell on that very weekend. Jennifer was an attractive girl but talked too much for my liking. Beyond talking too much in general she talked entirely too much to me.

The afternoon we gathered for the camping trip I was surprised to see Jennifer show up. I didn't ask why the sudden change in schedule because I figured she'd eventually tell me.

It was going to be a tight fit as far as car seating was concerned. By today's standards this was going to be unsafe but in the mid 1980's this was just something you dealt with. Looking back I have to make sure in my mind that it all happened the way I remember because it seems so unlikely. I had picked out the backseat section of my friend's car and my buddies Jeff and Brian sat back there with me. In the passenger bucket seat sat my friend Tom and his girlfriend Amy. This left enough room for the driver only but one more person wanted in the car. There was room in the cargo section in the back but she didn't want to sit there. Jennifer would be the extra person in our car. I offered to sit in the cargo area and be a bit cramped but instead she offered to sit on my lap. So there we were, seven of us in a compact car.

The back window by me wasn't the kind that rolled down. Instead of rolling down it had a lever that allowed it to open outward a couple of inches to provide ventilation. This was important because not only were we cramped but it was also kind of warm. Jennifer put her arm around my neck and for the most part we sat comfortably.

Midway through our trip Jennifer whispers a revelation. "I came on this trip because I wanted to be with you." I couldn't believe my ears. This may seem weird as everyone reading this has probably already figured out that she liked me but it was not so obvious to me. I pretty much have never been able to tell when a girl likes me. Even as she is sitting on my lap with her arm around me telling me that she changed her plans with her boyfriend because she wanted to be with me...I'm still wondering if she might like me. Basically I'm an idiot.

I began wondering what was going on. She likes me? No, she didn't say that. She said she wanted to be with me. Does that mean she likes me or I'm a likeable person and she wants to be with me like the guys sitting next to me like being with me...but they aren't sitting on my lap. Did she want to sit on my lap or is it because there's no room. Wait, did they hear her say that? Did I hear her say that? She smells so good. She did say that didn't she?

All this thinking got my stomach swirling. The lack of ventilation and the inability to take deep breaths made me worry the curse had emerged. I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself but she began playing with my hair. The nervous excitement actually had my feet and fingers tingling. Sadly though my stomach was tingling too and it's all I could do to focus on staying calm.

We were several miles from reaching our destination and it was already dark outside as the packed car wheeled along in our caravan. I had to find a way to calm down otherwise this will be a disaster. Jennifer didn't know what she was dealing with.

Then Jennifer did something very unexpected...at least it was unexpected to me. She took her right hand and brought it to my face. She placed her thumb upright over my lips and leans in and kissed her thumb against my mouth. It wasn't a kiss, but it was almost a kiss. What was it then? Did she do this because she likes me? (Again, I'm dumb) It was at this moment the butterflies began to take flight.

My buddy Tom then said, "Did you just kiss him?" This got the attention of everyone in the car and she leaned forward and was denying it and saying that she kissed her thumb while everyone was teasing her. The car erupted into a loud discussion.

While she was leaning forward I pressed my face against the window to get some air from the two or three inches it was open. At this point I coughed. The cough began set in motion a string of convulsions I could not stop. In a crowded car with a pretty girl sitting on my lap I began vomiting out the window. After about three good blasts lasting about 20 seconds I was done. I felt so much better but I knew I had probably just ruined the trip for everyone.

I brought my head back forward and Jennifer asked me, "Tell them, did I really kiss you?" I just smiled and everyone in the car laughed and kept talking. I couldn't believe it. With seven people in a compact vehicle, the radio going and people talking and teasing each other I had actually vomited out the back window without a single person noticing. I began chewing on a stick of juicy fruit and enjoyed the rest of the trip as my stomach had begun to settle down.

At this point I didn't care if she liked me, I was just thankful I didn't make things any worse.

So did she like me and how was the camping trip? That's for another post someday.

Fake Phone Polls - corrupt politics

I posted a couple of weeks ago about phoney mail questionnaires that are really just fundraising letters that the GOP sends me from time to time. (I've received one from the Democrats as well two years ago which is funny because they got my address after I ordered something off of the PBS website) I've included an audio clip from a fake phone poll a GOP candidate is using in Texas in a race for congress.

Click here for audio.

Here's the story on this:

Tom Delay isn't running for Congress because he has been indicted for being what probably everyone in America thinks he is...a corrupt establishment politician. In Congressional Disrict 22 in Texas the GOP has no candidate on the ballot but they have endorsed a write-in candidate named Shelley Sekula-Gibbs. (poor choice to select a write in candidate with a difficult to spell hyphenated name but oh well)

Shelley is understandably behind in real polls so she has started her own poll to release to the press. In the above conversation they are simply communicating to voters that their only choice is to run Nick Lampson the Democrat against Sekoula-Gibbs but there is a small problem with the poll...that problem is named Bob Smither.

Bob Smither the Libertarian is not only on the ballot (as Sekula-Gibbs is not) but is leading in REAL polls because the rather conservative district has mostly felt that they would rather keep a Democrat out of office than support a write-in candidacy that probably hasn't much of a chance. Honestly this is the LP's best chance to elect a congressman in years.

This is a funny situation for Libertarians having a major party candidate possibly siphoning off votes from Smither but no one in the LP camp is complaining.

What DOES have many annoyed is this dishonest push polling attempt to make people believe that there are different names appearing on the ballot than actually are and doing it under the disguise of a research company. The audio above captures the lie.

I'd like to see some responses from some loyal GOP members who frequent this blog and tell me what you think.

Left Leaning Libertarians

I got a few emails from people asking about my view of Bruce Guthrie's performance in the campaign for US Senator in the state of Washington. Some were bothered by what was described as "the most left-wing candidate on the stage was Guthrie..."

The Libertarian Party is without a doubt the most diverse active party in the country. It has been strategized (especially in Washington state) that there probably are not many more Republican voters willing to vote for Libertarians. In the last couple of election cycles Libertarians in this state have begun promoting issues normally seen as left-wing or liberal. This has annoyed many that originally looked to Libertarians as an alternative to Republicans.

The matter is that most Republicans are not upset about deficit spending. Most Republicans think the Bush tax cuts are meaningful. For a Libertarian to stand up on a state-wide podium and lecture the state like Milton Friedman is a mistake and a recipe to get 1% of the vote. It's important for both Republicans and Democrats to understand that freedom must be given to all before it can be realized for yourself. There needs to be a new respect for our constitution and ALL of the Bill of Rights.

Votes will be necessary for the LP to regain major party status in Washington State. I don't apologize for Bruce Guthrie's left of center positioning. His Libertarian credentials are solid and he has my respect, my support, and my vote.

Wanna see the debate?
Go Here!

Immigration and Motorcycles

Thanks to the national immigration debate I've gained a new understanding in my personal life.

I've never had a motorcycle endorsement on my driver's license. The Motorcycle Safety classes fill up pretty fast and you usually have to sign up for them months in advance. But since I've already been riding for several years (by several I mean since Ronald Reagan was president) I just end up putting it off. I have very truthfully ridden thousands of miles without an endorsement. In fact this very summer I commuted to work almost exclusively on my motorcycle.

But I do not ride my motorcycle illegally simply because I don't have an endorsement. I'm simply an undocumented motorcyclist. Viva las Ratas!

Note: I do plan to get the endorsement and take the safety class...probably this winter when the waiting list shrinks some.

Friday the 13th

Although I'm not a particularly superstitious person Friday the 13th has always sort of been interesting to me. When I was younger and traveled with my father I noticed that none of the crappy motels we stayed in had a room 13. I thought there must be something to it if even motels stayed away from the number. Later on in football I wore the number 13.

My first observation of someone being unlucky on Friday the 13th was in 3rd grade. A girl in my class named Stacy (who by the way was at my 20th high school reunion just last weekend) wore white pants. While she was carrying a jar of paint across the room to her desk she slipped and fell on a wet spot on the floor and dumped the blue pain all over her white pants. Everyone blamed Friday the 13th for the accident but I felt bad for her. (yes, sometimes I do have empathy)

I never got new clothes. If I had dumped paint on my pants at school I would've had my ass kicked at home. Her family was wealthier than mine so I'm sure it was no big deal at all.

On a side note: I've never liked Stacy and look back at the incident with the paint with a measure of happiness. I'm a jerk.

Mail Update

The GOP sent me some mail this week. It was one of those questionnaire fundraising letters.

On a side note I should mention that if a political party sends you a questionnaire and acts like they want to know your opinion they are lying. They send the questionnaire because they know that you have opinions because they've put you on a mailing list of people who are politically active. So at the end of the questionaire they say that they need you to send in a donation to cover the cost of processing your questionnaire. Once they've filled out a deposit slip and processed your check they go ahead and begin processing your questionaire. I've taken the liberty of illustrating of how this process works below.



Anyway they addressed it to Ms. Tracy Green. If they're not going to offer me free women's underwear then I'm afraid I don't have any use for the GOP.

Free Panty

One of the cool things about being a guy and having a name that is also used by women is that sometimes your mail can be interesting.

Victoria's Secret sent a coupon offer to me for one free panty.

I'm still debating whether I should head to the mall and get one. I don't know if I can go in there and with a straight face say, "I'm here for my panty."